I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
