I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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