I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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