I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
