my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
