I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
