and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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