hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
