You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
