I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize