Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
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