My Higher Power is John Stamos
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
