no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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