Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
It's like God shit irony all over that family
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
God I need to hump something, right now.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
