can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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