the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
try to milk me bitch
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