dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
