You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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