i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
