Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize