you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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