One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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