I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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