You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
You can't special order awesome
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Sorry about my life...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
