Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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