This is not my ceiling
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
