Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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