She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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