NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
