I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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