Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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