So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize