I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
