Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
