Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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