Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
