Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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