3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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