this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
