In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
