NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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