Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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