Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
