I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
