Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize