My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
pop tarts are not kleenex
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize