I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
