I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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