Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
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