fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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