She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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