Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
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