She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
