I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
