come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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