Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
