one might say we're banned from that church
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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