when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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