my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
i think my cat just said my name.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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