No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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