I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
