My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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