He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize