Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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