I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
