My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
