we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
