There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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